


The Sanji Drunkenness Scale

by aloas



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Treated Seriously, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Underage Drinking, only sober confessions though, usopp is a good guy ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29124432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloas/pseuds/aloas
Summary: Sanji's personality changes after each drink and Usopp decided to study this weird behavior, and it could the beginning of a good joke if Usopp hadn’t failed to take into consideration Sanji’s absurdly high sex drive and how easily, almost embarrassingly affected he is by Zoro as two important variables of his research.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 12
Kudos: 148





	The Sanji Drunkenness Scale

**Author's Note:**

> This idea is totally from Brooklyn 99's "Santiago Drunkenness Scale", I just decided to do the same thing for Sanji, since he already has plenty of personalities going on.
> 
> The story grew super long and is probably very poorly written, I apologize in advance for any mistake.
> 
> Enjoy it :)

The scale was almost perfected, it just needed a little bit more of studying, and Usopp’s mindset was determined to use Luffy’s party as an opportunity to discover its next stage.

This wasn’t an experiment, _per se_. Usopp knew better than to experiment on living beings, above all one of his friends – he wasn’t that guy. This was just curiosity. And he blamed it all on Nami for influencing him to pursue this.

It all began rather innocently. It was a Friday after school, and they had all gone to Nami’s house to spend the rest of the afternoon together and share a few drinks. That was a new addition to their life, the drinking thing, with them still being teenagers and all. So they still didn’t have a high tolerance – Usopp himself could only handle a few beers before he felt tipsy and decided to call it quits.

But some of them were slightly more adventurous towards this new alcohol thing (Usopp was even scared to let Nami or Zoro see how little he had to drink before he got wasted) and Sanji was one of those people. One could say it was kind of embarrassing, actually, how easily he’d make a fool of himself. But that was one of the purposes of drinking, wasn’t it? Usopp didn’t really know. He decided not to pay it much thought.

That is, until Nami approached him and said: “Have you noticed how different Sanji gets after each drink?”

Turning to look at the blond man in question, Usopp thought about what to say but was confused. His thoughts were confusing. But it could be the alcohol. “What do you mean by ‘different’?”

“It’s like, he gets this whole new personality.” Nami waved her hands in the air trying to gesture _something_ , but not quite reaching it.

“Isn’t it the same thing from when he goes from flirting with you to shouting at Zoro within seconds?” Usopp was tired. Nami wasn’t making any sense.

“No, I swear, it’s different… Look!!” Nami pointed at Sanji and Usopp followed her finger until he noticed a very loud blonde talking to Luffy, – seriously, why was he screaming so much? – grabbing another drink and chugging it down. Suddenly, his voice went back to a normal tone. But that wasn’t all. Usopp watched as Sanji made his way to the middle of Nami’s living room and-

_What the hell? Was he dancing?_

“See?! He goes from one Sanji to a completely different Sanji after a drink!”

Usopp watched dumbfoundedly as Sanji kept dancing without a single care in the world. It looked like he was transported into another dimension. The worst of all was that there was no music playing.

Suddenly, Usopp found himself feeling very thrilled, the same kind of excitement you get when studying a new and rare phenomenon. “Nami, you’re a genius.” Usopp muttered absentmindedly, without tearing his gaze from this new discovery.

One could call Usopp a researcher, after all, and since that day, he made sure to document every weird, new personality that Sanji acquired after each drink. Over the last couple of months, he thoroughly observed and proved the first seven steps of the scale. And now, he was ready to take it one step further.

To honor all his fellow researchers out there, Usopp announced his new ~~experiment~~ _scientific research_ that was going to be really beneficial for science and only science. Under the scholarship of Nami – no, really, she only offered to buy him a new slingshot – he began the Sanji Drunkenness Scale.

.

.

Sanji had just made his way into Luffy’s house when Usopp approached him and handed him a drink.

“Alrighty, just let me put these things in the fridge,” Sanji said, motioning for the absurd quantity of bags he was carrying.

Sanji didn’t even feel weirded out by this Usopp-giving-him-alcohol thing anymore. He had become used to it, and he knew that whenever they were at a party, Usopp was constantly there to hand him a new shot. He didn’t like to think about it too much, Sanji couldn’t make much sense of it, but there was no denying the practicality of it all.

After he got rid of his bags, Sanji noticed that Nami was making her way over them. “Hey, Sanji, is this your first shot?” She said, looking at the drink Usopp was handing him.

“Yes, Nami dear! Have you been here long?” Sanji finally accepted the drink from Usopp and drank it in one go. He also felt a little bit confused by this sudden interest Nami had developed for his drinking habits, but he didn’t mind it too much. It was nice to see she was interested.

Sanji felt the burning of the alcohol making its way down his throat and he mentally cursed at Usopp for giving him something so strong so early in the evening. This was the kind of shit that the moss head would drink without a problem, but Sanji had class, damn it! He wasn’t just looking forward to getting wasted, he wanted to drink something nice, too.

Suddenly, he found himself looking for the moss head. He hadn’t seen him when he entered Luffy’s house earlier. Maybe he was outside? Pft, probably drowning in alcohol by now. Or maybe he wasn’t coming? No way. Had he said something about having another place to be? Did he even have other friends? Well, Sanji knew about the two weird guys from his kendo classes. But could they be more important than Luffy’s party? This is Luffy, for god’s sake. Sanji knows Zoro really cares about the other boy. Even if he shows affection in his weird, mossy way–

“Sanji?”

Sanji snapped his head back to the sound of Nami’s voice and noticed her looking at him with an amused expression, a mischievous grin taking its place when she realized Sanji was finally looking at her. “Amazing”.

“I’d really like to know where you go all those times…” Usopp said, sharing the same amused expression as Nami, and scribbling something in a small notebook with his unintelligible handwriting.

“I’m sorry, Nami, I spaced out for a bit there. Did you say something?” Sanji mentally slapped himself for spacing out on Nami like this, she deserved all the attention he could give her. But seriously, where had his mind gone to?

He remembered thinking about ‘mossy affection’. That had something to do with Luffy. But what could it be? Maybe it was related to food? Had he promised to cook something with seaweed to Luffy? Oh crap, was he supposed to have brought sushi to this party? Damn, how could he have forgotten about that…

.

.

“I dare say, this might be one of the most interesting personalities of Sanji.”

“Right? I mean, you’re right there, he isn’t even looking at you!” Usopp exclaimed, mesmerized by his object of study. “No offense, by the way. It just never fails to amuse me.”

“None taken. I wonder how much I could do without him coming back to his senses?” Nami’s thoughts were going at 100 miles per hour while she thought about all the possibilities. “Do you think he’d notice it if I put on a bikini?”

Usopp looked at Nami and noticed how intrigued she was. He could basically hear her thoughts coming up with different ideas to mess with his poor experiment’s mind.

_Crap, he used that word again!_

“Another time, ok? I have to finish the scale, I’m nearly done! Then we can proceed to study how he reacts to outside sources.”

“Ugh, fine. Which steps are missing?” Nami broke her attention from Sanji and turned to look at Usopp.

“Um…” Usopp turned a few pages of his notebook to find some earlier notes. “It’s not much. He never got past drink number 7, so I’d like to see how it could go? But that’s it.”

“So, shall we give him his second drink? Which one is it, by the way?” Nami asked.

“Next one is loud Sanji, it’s the worst of them all…” Usopp sighed while massaging his temples.

“Let’s get it over with.” Nami grabbed a bottle of Vodka and poured it in a plastic cup, then handed it to Usopp. “Prepare your ears.”

“Go get the next drink ready as well, the sooner we get rid of loud Sanji, the more chances we have at not damaging our hearing.” Grabbing the plastic cup, Usopp turned his attention to his other friend. “Hey, Sanji!” He snapped his fingers in front of Sanji’s face and stopped when he noticed he had got the blond’s attentions. “Here, have another drink!”

“Ah, thank you!” Sanji started to drink the liquid from the plastic cup as Usopp waited. _Three, two, one…_ “DAMN, THIS IS STRONG!”

_There you go._

“WHAT’S IN THIS?”

Usopp brought his hands to his ears. This was the only part about studying Sanji that he regretted: having to put up with his second drink screaming. “It’s just Vodka, I guess.”

“WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS GIVING ME THESE STRONG DRINKS, USOPP?”

Before he could answer, Usopp prostrated himself to any deity out there the moment he saw Nami was next to him again, with a new drink in hand.

“Hey, Sanji, I brought you a new drink!”

“THAN--hmphh” Sanji had a cup shoved at his mouth, keeping him from finishing his sentence.

Sometimes, Usopp feared the next drink wasn’t going to work and they would be stuck with loud Sanji.

They waited a few seconds, both apprehensively studying Sanji and waiting for the next shot to do its magic. Usopp enjoyed this calm moment to write down that drink number 2 was, yet again, a success, even if it cost him his hearing.

Finally and _thanks to all gods_ , Sanji brought the cup down and spoke in his regular deep baritone. “Excuse me, Usopp, Nami dear, I’m gonna go dancing. Would you care to join me, Nami?”

She looked at the hand extended in front of her, connected to his friend kneeling in an over exaggerated position. “Thanks, but no thanks, Sanji. There are some things I need to discuss with Usopp. Have fun!”

Usopp watched as Sanji turned around and made his way to the small crowd filling up Luffy’s living room. Heaving a sigh of relief, he opened his notebook and wrote down the progression of the day. It felt good to know that, once again, he had been able to prove his theory.

But it wasn’t time to relax, though. Not yet. He had to keep an eye at his research to make sure he didn’t get any drink without Usopp noticing.

“At least this time there’s music playing.”

Looking up from his notes, Usopp saw Nami watching Sanji, probably just amused as the first time she noticed Sanji breaking character and losing all his inhibitions while dancing. “Should we bring him his fourth drink?”

Nami gave a small smile to Usopp before adding: “No. Let him have some fun.”

.

.

Sanji didn’t know where this sudden urge to dance came from.

He had been drunk enough times to understand his brain stopped working when he ingested a minimal amount of alcohol. It’s not like his thoughts weren’t his own, he could still reflect about what he was doing, he just didn’t find it in himself to care. The feeling was like he wasn’t in control of his actions anymore, and he couldn’t help but give in to his most primal urges, or whatever damn thing he felt like doing at the moment.

And right now, it was dancing.

Somewhere, on the back of his mind, he could think about all the staring he was receiving. But he didn’t care. He wasn’t insecure of his dancing – hell, he knew he looked amazing, he had perfect control of his movements. Most people were probably just surprised at seeing him behaving like this. _Pft, bunch of losers._

All his focus narrowed to the sound of the music playing in the room and the way his body moved to it. He closed his eyes and let this feeling fill him up. Nothing else mattered.

He felt amazing.

When he opened his eyes again, he looked around the room and was surprised to see a ball of moss staring intently at him, frozen in front of Luffy’s front door. Sanji felt electrified.

Nothing else mattered. Sanji got this urge to increase his movement, so increase his movements he did. It felt amazing, Zoro staring at him, and he didn’t want it to stop.

Suddenly, thoughts and ideas that were better left buried six feet under came to his mind and he felt overwhelmed. He needed another drink. Somehow, he knew that ingesting even more alcohol could only mean trouble, but that thought didn’t stop him from walking back to the kitchen and stealing a cup from Usopp’s hand.

Usopp’s complaints and questions were drowned out by the music as Sanji walked back to the living room. Now, he had one goal in mind.

He grabbed a fistful of Zoro’s shirt and dragged the other man to a surprisingly empty couch.

.

.

“Hey! The fuck you think you’re doing, shitty cook?”

Sanji’s body shivered when he heard Zoro speaking. He threw himself down at the couch, bringing the other man down with him.

Zoro stared dumbfoundedly at Sanji while the blond made himself at home, sitting sideways at the couch. He crossed one of his legs over the other and put his elbow on top of the backrest of the couch, resting his head on the palm of his hand. He used his other hand to grab Zoro’s arm and smirked at him.

“What took you so long to get here? I’ve been waiting for you, you know?”

Zoro had half a mind to remove the hand currently holding him. He clicked his tongue and looked away. Typical shitty cook to be wasted already and start acting weird towards him. “You seemed to be enjoying yourself back there.” Zoro gestured vaguely with his head to the spot where Sanji had been dancing.

Without missing a beat, Sanji countered: “Were _you_ enjoying it?”

This caught Zoro’s attention, and Sanji had to restrain himself from laughing at the dumb, wide eyed expression the moss head was wearing. “Are you implying something?”

Sanji’s grin only grew wider at the swordsman. _How cute_. He wanted to devour him. “Just wanted to know if you were having a good time, is all.”

And Sanji’s mind was set on this: he wanted Zoro to have a good time. There was a little voice inside his head whispering ‘ _this is very wrong, stop, get away from here’_ but Sanji could barely hear it over the sudden need to put his hand on Zoro’s hair and get closer to the other man. And closer he got, unable to keep his fingers from drawing random patterns at Zoro’s scalp.

“I just got here; I didn’t even have a dri– what the hell are you doing?!” Zoro froze when he felt Sanji’s hand on his hair. If it was possible, he froze even harder when he felt _something_ touching his shin, and he had to look down to be sure that it was really Sanji’s foot.

_When did he even remove his shoe?_

The sudden wave of power Sanji felt when he saw just how good of a reaction he was getting out of Zoro was intoxicating. Poor moss head could try to deny it all he wanted, but Sanji didn’t see him trying to get away. He just needed to push a little bit more.

“What would you like me to be doing, Zoro?” Sanji purred.

Zoro’s brain finally decided to catch up with the situation and he grabbed Sanji’s wrists while he tried to kick the other man’s foot away from his leg. “Get off me, curly! What’s with all these innuendos? How much did you drink?”

“Don’t be such a prude, moss head. I’ve only had four drinks.” Sanji chuckled at the green haired man and accepted the fact that his hands were now restrained. Tough luck, he’d have to move his head now. Positioning his chin on Zoro’s shoulder, Sanji gently bit the other man’s ear lobe and whispered: “But seriously, I could do _so_ much for you, Zoro.”

Zoro’s whole body shivered. He straight out growled and cursed at his body for betraying him at this moment when he needed to run away the most. He found himself promising on Wado Ichimonji that if he managed to get out of this situation alive and with no psychological trauma, he was definitely going to kill Sanji.

.

.

Usopp watched horrified as Sanji sucked on Zoro’s ear lobe. Four Drink Sanji was supposed to be Sanji in his love-cook mode, but he’d never been so… _lewd_ about it, and Usopp was freaking out. He couldn’t help but feel a little bit of guilt, since he could’ve tried to stop Sanji from having a new drink.

You see, Usopp had been friends with Sanji for 7 years now, and he had to learn to adapt himself for any situations that might cause Sanji to explode and lash out at everyone around him (but the ladies), and Usopp had a guess that Sanji flirting with Zoro while drunk was probably occupying the first spot on the list of things that should be avoided in case one didn’t want to face an embarrassed, and therefore enraged Sanji.

(Even though by now it was common sense that Sanji and Zoro had _something_ going on and the only two people unaware of it were themselves.)

(And Usopp thought it was funny, really, how Sanji claimed that Zoro was the dumb, dense one.)

(Usopp felt goosebumps all over his body and he prayed that Sanji could never, ever learn what he’d just thought.)

He had to do something, and he had to do it fast. _Oh god, where’s Nami when I need her the most?_ Usopp thought, looking for a glimpse of red hair.

After evaluating a few outcomes, Usopp brightened up when he remembered about what his purpose of that night was: he was finishing the scale. He just had to keep going. He laughed out loud and almost patted himself on the back when he noticed that the next drink was going to bring out confident Sanji.

“It’s perfect! Sanji will get confident and he’ll try to pick up any dignity that he has left! And maybe he won’t get mad at anyone, he won’t even be embarrassed ‘cause his brain will be too busy thinking good things about himself! I just have to give him the fifth drink!” Usopp didn’t even notice that he was now speaking out loud.

Because there was still a small possibility that Sanji might react poorly, Usopp had to select someone else to deliver the next drink, and his choice was Ace. The raven-haired man was strong (he could defend himself from Sanji), and he could be just as lewd as Sanji at that moment, so no one would feel awkward about the current sexual tension. It was perfect.

With a drink in hand, Ace made his way to the couch and passed it to Sanji. Said blonde didn’t even look at him – too absorbed by the sight of the green haired man sitting next to him – and downed it, even though said green haired man tried to stop him.

Once he realized he had accomplished his mission, Ace looked at Usopp and gave him a thumbs up.

Usopp quickly hid behind the kitchen’s door. _Damn it, Ace!_ Sanji could never connect this back to him!

Once he thought the situation was safe, he moved just enough so only his eyes could be seen behind the door. He peeked at his friends and felt relieved when he noticed Sanji setting the cup down on the floor. His plan had worked. Now he only had to wait for confident Sanji to leave that couch and take back his dignity.

As soon as the relief came, it was gone, and Usopp sucked on his breath as he watched Sanji move on the couch to straddle Zoro’s legs.

.

.

Sanji had never felt so sure of himself. He knew he’d been basically throwing himself at Zoro, but now he couldn’t see any outcome where the other man would reject him. He knew Zoro would be god damn lucky if he had someone like Sanji.

“God _fucking_ damnit, shitty cook! What’s gotten into you today?!” Zoro tried to remove the clingy bastard from his lap, but Sanji’s fucking _legs_ were almost interrupting the blood circulation from Zoro’s legs. Zoro wasn’t drunk enough for this. In fact, he hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol, and it was all thanks to a certain cook. _Fucking drunk, strong legged blonds._

“Cut it out, marimo. I know how you feel about me,” Sanji said, determination glistening within his eyes. “I can see how you look at me, I know it. Just tell me.”

“The fuck are you – wait.” Zoro shook his head and narrowed his eyes at Sanji. “What did you just call me?”

“A marimo. Ma-ri-mo.”

A beat passed.

“Did you look up nicknames for me?” Zoro asked, suspiciously. He knew the word because he knew Japanese, but there was no way Sanji knew it as well.

“No shit, Sherlock. I just happen to have an extent knowledge of Japanese words for aquatic plants.” Sanji sighed. This whole conversation was boring. He wanted to get to the part where Zoro confessed his undying love for him.

Sanji lost his patience when he saw Zoro wasn’t budging, still looking at him like he had grown a second head. “I googled it!”

“I got that part, cook. So you’re just admitting it? Aren’t you embarrassed that you used your precious time to look up names for me?” Zoro asked, his words a mixture of hesitation and confusion accumulated since the minute Sanji had laid his hands on him earlier that night.

There was so much going on that Zoro was feeling a little bit dizzy. Sanji was flirting unabashedly with him only a few minutes earlier – which, by the way, Zoro hasn’t quite put his mind around yet, it could only have been some kind of sick joke from the cook – and now he got this sudden confident aura around him. Zoro had to double check to see if he could be one hundred percent sure that he was talking to the same person and that his mind had _not_ created an illusion of Sanji.

Somehow, Zoro decided, he preferred dealing with the flirty cook rather than this bizarre version of Sanji that’s bringing up subjects that were better left unsaid until the day Zoro dies, thank you very much.

 _Admitting my feelings,_ Zoro mentally snickered, _humor me, cook._

Now, it was Sanji’s turn to look at Zoro like he was the one growing a second head. “Why would I be ashamed of it? That’s a fucking great name, and I did an amazing job.”

“You should be ashamed because the _real_ cook-” Zoro poked Sanji’s chest with his index finger, accusatorily “-wouldn’t have opened his mouth about even one fourth of all the things you’re saying to me right now.”

“Lucky for us, marimo, I _am_ the real Sanji – that’s my name, by the way – and I happen to think that it’s fucking stupid to hide your thoughts inside that thick skull of yours-” Sanji mockingly knocked on Zoro’s head with his fist. “-so I think now is the time for you to open up and tell me how you really feel!”

Zoro did not believe he could get even more annoyed, but if any person could keep on riling him up even after the point of boiling with rage, it would have to be Sanji. He couldn’t stand it. He felt all his resolve leaving him and he snapped.

“So what if I like you, huh, _Sanji?_ What if I tell you about all the fucking time I spend thinking about you? What would you do then, huh? ‘Cause it’s all fun and games when you’re fucking wasted, but what happens when you wake up tomorrow morning and go back to your senses? What would you do, then, Sanji? Huh? What would you fucking say?”

Zoro was staring at Sanji and Sanji was staring right back at Zoro. Seconds passed, maybe minutes. Sanji’s mouth opened but then it snapped shut. Words didn’t seem right.

After what felt like an eternity, Zoro heaved a defeated sigh and looked away.

“I can’t deal with you like this.” He tried to get up and this time Sanji let him.

He watched as Zoro walked to Luffy’s front door and left the house.

What the hell. Now he really needed another drink.

Sanji scanned the room and noticed Chopper leaning against a wall, holding a plastic cup. That would probably do it. He walked towards the younger boy and stopped in front of him.

“Hey, Chopper, is that alcohol? Can I have it?”

“Oh, sure! I’m not drinking it; I only carry it around with me ‘cause I’m embarrassed to let other people know that I don’t like alcohol.” Chopper smiled cheekily at him and Sanji’s stomach knot loosened up a bit.

“Well, you are a kid, you shouldn’t be embarrassed.” Sanji grabbed the cup and drank it.

“Shut up! I’m not a kid!” Chopper bared his teeth at him, causing Sanji to snicker. _Definitely a kid._ Then, his features softened, and he asked worriedly: “Um. Is everything okay with Zoro?”

Sanji was about to say that, yes, everything was okay, he just needed some time, that Chopper didn’t have to worry. Everything was at the tip of his tongue, but suddenly his throat clenched, and he felt his eyes welling up with tears.

“Oh my god, Chopper, I am the worst!”

.

.

Usopp was sitting on the sidewalk in front of Luffy’s house, with a very worried Chopper next to him and a very depressed Sanji crying with his head lying on Chopper’s lap. He was at a loss for what to do and he was glad that Chopper was there with him. The kid was currently stroking Sanji’s head and mumbling soothing words like “it’s gonna be okay” and “there’s no need to cry” and “we’re here for you.” Usopp didn’t know if he was truly there for Sanji, with him being consumed by his own guilt for not being able to stop Sanji from having that sixth drink.

“I… am… scum,” Sanji managed to get out in between sobs, and Chopper visibly flinched at the words, probably feeling just as guilty as Usopp but for completely different reasons.

Usopp had watched the whole scene playing out. He froze on the spot and felt useless, like an extra inside a movie; he could see the conversation and the drama going on, but he didn’t have the power to influence or act on the storyline.

As Usopp watched Sanji grab the sixth drink from Chopper, he could hear himself screaming inside his own head, pleading for his friend not to take it. He knew that this next drink would bring out sad Sanji and, after the whole thing with Zoro, Usopp had a guess that Sanji would get five times sadder.

It was only after Sanji broke out in tears and ran out of the party that Usopp regained his movements and ran after his friend, with Chopper in tow. Once outside, they found Sanji lying on the sidewalk and Chopper instantly rushed to his side, lifting Sanji’s head from the floor and trying to calm his friend down. Usopp was mind blown for a couple of minutes at how thoughtful the other boy could be, and he stood there awkwardly, unaware of what to do.

He wanted to rush back to the house and get another drink, but he knew that would be insensitive to Sanji right now. They had to try and console him.

“Would you maybe like to talk about what happened?” Choper asked, reluctantly, bringing Usopp out of his reverie.

The words seemed to calm Sanji down a bit. “There’s nothing to talk about.” He inhaled deeply while cleaning some of the tears away with the back of his hand before he continued: “I’m an asshole, I was a major dick to Zoro and I’m a disappointment to everyone in my life.”

“C’mon, Sanji, you know that’s not true!” Chopper tried to lift Sanji’s head so he could look at his friend in the face. “You are a very good person with a very kind heart! And you have friends that love you so much! _We_ love you so much!”

“Pfff, like I could deserve someone else’s love,” Sanji snickered, causing Chopper to growl as frighteningly as possible for someone as small and adorable as him.

“You could! And you do! Because we already love you! Usopp, tell him.”

Suddenly, Usopp found himself being turned into one of the main characters of the movie and he starred at Chopper like a deer caught in headlights. He watched those big brown eyes looking at him pleadingly and he stammered out: “Y-yes, Sanji, Chopper’s right! You’re very important to us!”

Heaving a defeated sigh, Sanji got up from Chopper’s lap and curled into himself, resting his head on his knees and bringing his legs close to his chest. “Alright. I don’t need your pity. Go back to the party and have fun.”

Usopp and Chopper exchanged a glance and the latter proposed: “Do you want a glass of water? I could bring you some food, too.”

“I’m fine, just leave me alone.” Sanji lifted his head to try to assure his friends and saw Usopp opening his mouth to say something, only to snap it shut when he noticed Sanji looking at him. “What, Usopp?”

“WhatifItoldyouthatanotherdrinkmighthelp?” Usopp babbled, and when he saw the confusing expressions on his friends’ faces, he took a deep breath and tried again: “W-what if I told you that another d-drink might help?”

At this point, Sanji looked hollow. He’d probably agree indifferently to anything.

“Fine. There’s nothing else to do, anyway.”

.

.

Usopp closed the door behind him and walked back to his friends. He was the one chosen to get more alcohol because Sanji didn’t want to go back inside, being too embarrassed to let other people see his puffy, crying face. And Chopper probably wouldn’t leave Sanji’s side soon.

After Sanji finished his seventh glass of alcohol of that night, Usopp felt adventurous enough to ask: “So, what animal is it today?”

Sanji stared dumbfoundedly at him. “How did you know I was thinking about an animal?” And if Usopp were a bigger, braver man, he would’ve laughed at Sanji and told him how he’d been studying Sanji’s drinking habits and how he’s known for nearly a month now that Seven Drink Sanji is weirdly obsessed with animals, mainly horses.

But Usopp was still to become a brave warrior, damn it, so it was totally acceptable for him to freak out and pray for Sanji’s drunk brain to move on and forget about Usopp’s slip up. And for the umpteenth time that night Usopp thanked any god out there, because Sanji kept on talking like nothing had happened.

“Anyway, I’d love to ride a horse someday. It must be so freeing, feeling the wind in your hair, not having a single care in the world,” Sanji said dreamily, and he automatically lightened up. “Hey! Do you think someone in this neighborhood owns a horse??”

Chopper chuckled and Usopp thought about how weird this must be for the boy. He had been comforting a crying Sanji merely minutes earlier and now he was listening to the same Sanji talking about riding horses. _But hey, that’s drunk Sanji for you._

“I doubt anyone would have a horse, Sanji, we’re too close to the urban life for that.”

At hearing the younger boy’s voice, Sanji turned his head to look at him and grinned. “Chopper, you’re so fucking adorable!” He ruffled Chopper’s hair. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like a small reindeer?”

“Shut up! I am no reindeer! I’m a human being!” Chopper growled at Sanji and Sanji broke out in laughter.

For a moment, everything was fine. Usopp found himself relaxing while he watched his friends’ banter. Sanji had decided to bring up raccoons now, and Chopper was nearly combusting in anger. Everything was good.

Until.

“But seriously, Usopp, how did you know that a new drink would help me? And how did you know I was thinking about animals? That was odd.”

_Oh crap._

Usopp had about three seconds to come up with an answer before things got too weird, or before Sanji decided to keep pressing, and it felt like all his life flashed in front of his eyes.

He began to evaluate possible outcomes. He tried to remember if a single Sanji’s kick could end his life but gave up on that thought when he realized that Sanji wouldn’t stop after his first kick. He remembered that he hadn’t written his will yet, and he could only hope that his slingshot would end up with a well deserving kid and that Nami would give him enough credits for the all the hard work and effort he put at this research.

Damn, he was going to die without having confessed to Kaya.

But then he thought that he was already going to have to apologize to Sanji anyway, so he might as well go all the way and finish what he started. He was going to die either way.

Since the beginning of that evening, he had one goal, and that goal was to find out about Eight Drink Sanji. As a noble scientist, he swore on his life that he was going to see Sanji’s next stage, even if he had to shed his own blood for it.

And there was still the possibility that Eight Drink Sanji might be forgiving Sanji.

So, he proposed that he would tell the truth if Sanji had another drink. And after Sanji had his eighth drink, Usopp told him how it was funny, really. That Sanji developed these new, weird personalities after each drink and that Usopp had been watching him at every party for a while now. Because we were all indebted to science, after all. So he, the great Usopp, wanted to contribute to science and benefit the world with all the great knowledge he would achieve after finishing this research. He told everything. He even mentioned how different Sanji had acted when Zoro was around.

And he brought up Nami’s name about four times to try to distract Sanji from the whole studying-and-observing-your-behavior thing.

He watched as Sanji’s face contorted from confusion, to indignation, to straight up rage and Usopp began to stand up.

“Usopp! _Putain de merde !_ ”

Usopp took two steps back. He didn’t know French, but he _did_ know Sanji and his foul mouth.

“L-l-l-ook Sanji, I-I’m sorry, I was just observing and c-controlling the environment to see how you’d behave-”

“ _Ta gueule ! Arrête de parler comme si j’étais une souris de laboratoire !_ ”

There was literally fire around Sanji’s body and Usopp began to run.

“I’m sorry! I w-was thinking about m-my research! I had t-to-”

“ _Je m’en fous de ta recherche, Usopp !”_

Usopp was running for his dear life. He managed to dodge one shoe that came flying towards him, but the second one hit him right on the head and he nearly lost his balance. But he couldn’t stop now. He kept on running.

The experiment, Usopp noticed, had been a success. All the trouble of that night left aside, Usopp now knew that Eight Drink Sanji only speaks French and has a really dirty mouth. Or maybe he’s just angry at Usopp.

He began to pray to _anything_ , asking that he at least gets to live long enough to share his work and the results he achieved with the rest of the world.

And now that he’d had a brush with death, he considered it a priority to confess to Kaya.

“ _Reviens ici! Connard !”_

That is, if he manages to live.

.

.

It was the Monday after the party and Usopp was sitting in front Ms. Robin Nico’s desk. All of his back was still throbbing, and he had a broken nose from the one time he looked back, and a shoe came flying into his face. Sanji had kept on picking up his shoes and kicking them at Usopp again. That continued until Usopp reached his house and Sanji was forced to stop.

“And what exactly do you want me to do with these?” Robin asked while she flipped through Usopp’s notebook. Eventually, she stopped at the last page and read the following list:

The Sanji Drunkenness Scale

First Drink: Sanji spaces out.

Second Drink: Sanji gets loud.

Third Drink: Sanji likes to dance.

Fourth Drink: Sanji is a pervert.

Fifth Drink: Sanji is overconfident.

Sixth Drink: Sanji is sad.

Seventh Drink: Sanji is weirdly obsessed with animals.

Eighth Drink: Sanji speaks French. (And gets angry?)

 _This is bound to be an interesting day,_ Robin thought, amusedly.

“Um. You see. I guess I wanted to know if you’ve ever seen anything like it.” Usopp managed to get out. “And also… I need advice, ‘cause I don’t think Sanji’s ever speaking to me again.”

Robin hummed and took a sip of her tea. “What does this drink number seven mean?”

“Number seven is… Oh, yes, usually it’s horses, but it can change. This time, he also said that Chopper resembled a reindeer and kept on trying to pet him…”

“Interesting.” Robin seemed to think for a bit, then she continued: “I can see why he’s mad, you were treating him like a laboratory rat. He is probably feeling _very_ betrayed right now. He wouldn’t expect this from a friend, Usopp.”

Usopp’s eyes widened and he gasped at his teacher. This was not what he’d been expecting. “B-b-b-but it wasn’t totally my fault! He would have drunk and behaved like this anyway! I was just observing and taking notes!”

The stare Robin was giving him was piercing through his soul, and she decided that it still wasn’t time to take pity on the young boy. “Yes, but you could have talked to him. It would’ve probably made your job easier since you wouldn’t need to act so stealthily anymore. And he would be more in control of his actions since he would be _expecting_ to behave in a certain way. That would perhaps keep him away from embarrassing situations like the one you witnessed at the party.”

Another gasp came from Usopp. “But I… He wouldn’t… It’s just… I couldn’t…”

Robin gave her student one of her all-too-knowing smirks. “And could I ask what happened to our dear Sanji after the eighth drink?”

Usopp sighed and tried to recompose himself. “Luckily, Chopper ran after us because he thought that we would get hurt. He walked Sanji home and sometime along the way, Sanji went back to the first stage, the one where he spaces out. My guess is that after the eighth drink, Sanji’s personality recedes to one of the previous stages.”

Robbin nodded and took another sip of her tea. “I have never heard of anything like it, but I will make some research. In the meantime, Usopp, you should apologize to Sanji.”

“I will, Ms. Nico. Thank you for helping me.”

Usopp got up from the chair, grabbed his notebook and walked to the door, but stopped on his tracks when he heard Robin calling him again.

“Yes?”

“In case you make any profit with this work, our dear Nami advised me that I ask for 10%, considering that I offered you my time and support.”

Robin smiled around the rim of her tea mug and Usopp’s jaw fell to the floor. Nami had got to her first! They’d been fooling him this whole time!

Usopp definitely hated his life.

.

.

Sanji noticed a tuff of moss about to leave school property and he started to run. The bastard had been avoiding him the entire day, and Sanji wasn’t having any of it. He was a gentleman and he had to apologize for his mistakes, even if he was dealing with a brute instead of a lady.

Sanji had the weekend to think and he concluded that he had fucked up good. He didn’t even want to think about the whole Usopp thing, even if that explained some of his weird behavior whenever he was drunk.

Apparently – and if he decided to believe in Usopp – around his fourth or fifth drink, Sanji wasn’t sure, he behaved a tad bit like a pervert, and this time Zoro happened to be around. So, yes, he was goddamn embarrassed. But that wasn’t the worst.

The worst came when Sanji became confident – that is, if he _is_ taking into consideration what Usopp said – and straight out _asked_ Zoro to confess the feelings that Sanji’s overconfident brain assumed that Zoro possessed.

But the damn marimo – yes, now he’s using that word since it’s already out there! – decided to _actually_ confess, leaving Sanji with this (very) important piece of information in his hands, unaware of what to do with it.

He was leaning towards the option of pretending that nothing had happened to escape from the embarrassment of having this conversation with Zoro.

(Or he could be a grown up and admit his own feelings.)

And he was already running after Zoro, anyway.

“Hey! Moss head!” Zoro began to walk faster. “I’m fucking talking to you, shithead!” Sanji kicked his shoe at Zoro’s head and hit right on spot. He was truly mastering the art.

“What the fuck, shitty cook!” Zoro turned around and grabbed Sanji by the collar of his shirt.

“When will you stop ignoring me?” Sanji asked through gritted teeth, unfazed by Zoro’s threatening aura.

Zoro removed his hands but didn’t erase the scowl currently occupying his face. “What do you want?”

Sanji tried to calm down by taking a deep breath. He had one job.

“I’m only gonna say it this once, marimo, so you better listen to me.” Zoro flinched at the ‘marimo’ but went back to his usual scowl, and Sanji continued. “Apparently, I can become kind of a weird person when I’m drunk and I can say a lot of shitty stuff and I’m sorry for the way I behaved. It was very shitty of my part.”

Sanji fought to keep his embarrassment away so that Zoro could see nothing but sincerity in his eyes. And it was damn hard, since Zoro looked at Sanji like he could reach inside his mind and turn him inside out.

Finally, Zoro shrugged. “It’s alright, cook, it happens. Let’s just forget and move on.”

Sanji’s jaw fell and he frowned at the other man. This was the outcome that he wanted, the one where they could try and go back to normal, but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop there. It was like his subconsciousness had already made the decision for him.

“But... I don’t…” _I don’t want to move on,_ Sanji wanted to say, but nothing came out.

“ _Cook,_ ” Zoro warned, “I said it’s _fine_ , you’re forgiven, now forget it.”

“But I don’t want to forget it, moss head!”

“But it’s very embarrassing, shitty cook!”

“Oh, I do _not_ wanna hear about how you found it embarrassing, I didn’t see _you_ climbing on my lap!”

A beat passed, and Sanji sensed his entire body burning up. He looked down and saw that this time there was no actual fire, so he could only imagine the shade of red his body had now acquired.

The only thing easing his mind was the fact that Zoro was just as affected as himself, even if the other boy did a better job at covering it. But Sanji could see the reddening of his cheeks and the small fidgeting of his hands.

Zoro’s shoulder fell and he sighed. “Yeah, and I didn’t see you confessing your fucking embarrassing feelings.”

Sanji stopped and mentally took two steps back on his thoughts. This was embarrassing for both of them, but Zoro had the right to be feeling more vulnerable, since the only emotion Sanji had shown was horniness. He braced himself for what he was about to admit. “I know I was drunk, but I wasn’t lying about what I wanted.”

“Don’t come up with these things to try to-” Zoro started, But Sanji cut him.

“I’m not coming up with anything! I wasn’t lying when I said I was waiting for you to arrive and I really wanted-” Sanji stopped himself before he admitted to something else that he wasn’t ready to and that would cause even more embarrassment. “-I wanted you to tell me how you felt because I… Well, too.”

Leaving his poor choice of words aside, Sanji was sure that anyone else would’ve been able to understand where he was trying to get. But he forgot that he was dealing with an aquatic plant that didn’t understand big words and phrases unless spoken loud and clear. So here Zoro was, starring puzzledly at him as if this time he was really catching fire, and Sanji could only thing that he looked _dumb._

_And a little bit cute._

_And that Sanji really liked him._

_Sometimes._

_But god, was he difficult._

“What are you trying to say?”

“How can you be so dense…” Sanji closed his eyes and scratched his forehead. This ball of moss would be the death of him. He needed to try a new tactic. “What I’m trying to say is, do you want ice cream? To eat. With me.”

Sanji mentally facepalmed at his lack of smoothness. It was like Zoro’s absence of manners was already rubbing off on him. God, he needed to work on that.

And because Sanji couldn’t have any luck, the marimo, again, didn’t understand. “You want ice cream?”

Sanji snapped.

“God fucking damn it, marimo, you’re insufferable! I’m trying to fucking ask you out here!” Embarrassment was swallowing him, but it was the damn marimo’s fault that needed to have things spelled out for him. “And Luffy told me about this new place near our school that sells ice cream and he said they’re really good and I know that Luffy thinks that any food is good, so we can’t really trust him on that, but it’s ice cream, so I don’t think it could be bad-” Oh, god, he was babbling. “-and I know you’re not really into sweets, but they might have some options with fruit that you might like. So I think we should do it. The ice cream thing.”

Sanji wanted to run away, dig a hole and hide inside it for three weeks. Or three years. But he crossed his arms over his chest and stared defiantly at Zoro, almost daring the other man to make the next move.

Realization seemed to dawn on Zoro, and he was now smirking at Sanji. _The bastard._ Sanji wanted to wipe that smirk off his face with his foot.

“So, you will pay for my ice cream?”

Zoro’s smirk grew wider as he saw Sanji burning up with indignation and he kind of felt like he deserved the kick he received.

“I won’t pay for your shitty ice cream! I don’t even wanna go anymore! You can go on your own,” Sanji aimed another kick at Zoro, but he dodged it. Sanji kept on glaring at him menacingly until Zoro broke the spell.

“So, let’s get going then?”

Sanji growled. “Fine.”

But before Zoro could take another step, Sanji stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Look, if you don’t have any money with you right now, I can pay for it, ok?”

Zoro chuckled. “I actually don’t have any, but that’s alright. I can pay for stuff on our second date.”

There was a mixture of confusion and excitement on Sanji’s words when he spoke next, “But you don’t even know if it’ll happen.”

“I know it will.”

Sanji blushed. _This bastard._ “Don’t be so full of yourself.” He looked away before he added: “C’mon, marimo, I have homework to do.”

He was about to begin to walk before Zoro spoke again.

“Oi, cook.”

Sanji turned around one more time and couldn’t deny it any longer how his chest fluttered when he looked at the man in front of him, noticing the corner of his lips quirking up in a small smile, the few wrinkles next to his eyes, the way the sun was making his cheekbones glow. Even his mossy hair. Sanji felt warm, and he knew it wasn’t due to the sun hitting his skin.

“Hm?”

“Don’t forget to put your shoes back on.”

_This bastard._

**Author's Note:**

> I really love that one moment from Davy Back Fight when Sanji kicks his shoe at the referee.
> 
> If you managed to make it here, please tell me your opinion and if you found the writing confusing or difficult to follow! Any feedback is good.
> 
> French translations:  
> Putain de merde - I have no idea how to translate it into english while maintaining the same meaning, but Sanji was very mad.  
> Ta gueule! Arrête de parler comme si j’étais une souris de laboratoire! - Shut up! Stop talking as if I'm a laboratory rat!  
> Je m’en fous de ta recherche - I don't give a fuck about your research.  
> Reviens ici! - Come back here!  
> Connard - maybe asshole? Or jerk?


End file.
